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    Koleksi Lawak

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    raidizh AR
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    Re: Koleksi Lawak

    Post by raidizh AR on Sun Apr 26, 2009 6:57 pm

    he~~

    baikk.. Very Happy

    raidizh AR
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    Re: Koleksi Lawak

    Post by raidizh AR on Sun Apr 26, 2009 7:14 pm

    ak copy n paste..

    COST CUTTING...!!!

    EFFECTIVE JANUARY 1, 2009

    NEW OFFICE POLICY

    Dress Code:
    1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to
    your salary.

    2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a
    Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially
    and therefore do not need a raise.

    3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your
    money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and
    therefore you do not need a raise.

    4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need
    to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

    Sick Days:
    We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof
    of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

    Personal Days:
    Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
    They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

    Bereavement Leave:
    This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
    dead friends,
    relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
    non-employees attend
    the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee
    involvement is
    necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We
    will be glad to
    allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

    Bathroom Breaks:
    Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
    There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the
    stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
    sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall
    door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your
    second offense, your picture will be posted on the
    company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders'
    category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
    sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

    Lunch Break:

    * Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need
    to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

    * Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
    balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

    * Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's
    all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

    Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here
    to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,
    all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
    frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
    allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
    and input should be directed elsewhere.

    The Management
    Pass this on to all who are employed!


    We are expected to perform twice our potential,
    while cutting costs
    to half......

    This is the future performer ???

    Height of cost cutting


    "If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to
    laugh at when you are old" - Will Rogers

    wanjihan
    Ahli Rajin
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    Re: Koleksi Lawak

    Post by wanjihan on Sun Apr 26, 2009 10:54 pm

    PuteriNurFarah wrote:DIALEK KELANTAN
    Kali Arung - Sekaligus
    Air Geh - Air Berkabonat
    Jauh Sapok - Teramatlah Jauhnya
    Panah Terik - Panas Yang Teramat Sangat
    Sejuk Ketta - Sejuk Yg Sangat?
    Ite Lettung - Tersangatlah Hitamnya
    Punoh Jahne - Rosak
    Gura Bewok - Gurauan Yang Menyebabkn Pergaduhan
    Taik Aye Muna - Tahi Ayam Yang Masih Hangat
    Kona Lepe - Corner Lipat
    Kelecak - Terpelanting
    Nakuk Paik - Penakut Yang Amat Tinggi
    Lonjong - Tinggi Sangat
    Masing Pekkok - Teramat Masin = Masing Peghakk - Teramat Masin
    Nipih Nayyang - Sangat Nipis = Nipih Siatt - Sangat Nipis
    Maknga - Cuai
    Babei - Degil (Tak Tau Nak Eja Camne)
    Jabir / Supek - Plastic Bag
    Koghok - Tengkorak
    Kehek - Muntahkan Semula
    Puahsang - Boring
    Meppeh - Tak Larat
    Kepeh Blepeng - Sangat Kempis
    keghah kekong -keras yg teramat
    koho/selo - perlahan/slow
    kettuk heghek -kentut tarik
    blana kokna - banyak yang amat
    samah - 50 sen
    duo amah -singgit
    kekoh -gigit
    blago -berlanggar
    mokte- rambutan
    woh kekoh caa -kuih buah melaka
    ccongek -tejungkit
    kupik hangik -kedekut nak mampos
    woh tteghe-buah gajus
    nnetting- melantun
    manih letting -manis yg amat
    pok-e-dèng -pepatung

    pembetulan sikit farah... hehehhe..


    Last edited by wanjihan on Sun Apr 26, 2009 11:00 pm; edited 2 times in total

    wanjihan
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    Re: Koleksi Lawak

    Post by wanjihan on Sun Apr 26, 2009 10:55 pm

    Bahasa Kelantan

    Ada cerita di sebuah sekolah rendah
    di luar Kelate yg guru besarnya orang Kelate. Satu
    hari budak-budak ternampak ular. Jadi kata
    cikgu,"cepat-cepat lah katok". Budak-budak pun
    heran dan jawab balik, "bukan katak cikgu, tapi
    ular."
    Hmmmm konpius... Katok =pukul, balun, hentam

    Vocabulary :
    Bokbong - spesis musang
    Ttuyup - pepatung
    Pok Kor - spesis mengkarung
    Ike Kkhonge - ikan cencaru
    Gelenyar,Gletah = mengenyam, getik
    Absorber = saksoba
    Supik Gelenyar - plastik bag (yang nipis tu.)
    Buah Topoh = buah epal (diambil dr perkataan Arab
    "tuffah" = epal)
    Gaduh, bbaloh = kelahi
    Ggaduh = nak cepat (double `G' means sabdu)
    Saka = gula (sekarang sudah jarang digunakan
    olehgenerasi baru)
    Bekwoh = kenduri (mungkin berasal dari big work)
    Tohok = buang
    Ghohok = susah, payah
    SIAK DUK GGOBAR = Jangan risau.. Don't worry,
    be happy!!!
    WAK GGOGHI = Bagi memulakan sesuatu.. to
    start with.
    DEKPONG GAK EH = Kalau ya pun
    Jjughuh = baik (jjughuh budok tu = baik budak tu)
    Kelaghing = kesat/not smooth (kulit kelaghing =
    skin not smooth enough)

    Kelantan + English?? = "Kelantalish"
    Contoh:
    POZEK (deposit),
    RIZAT (1.result 2. reserved),
    NNEJA (manager),
    ISTEK (estate),
    SUWIH (switch),
    MERKET (market), dll...
    Kata penguat dlm bahaso Klate pun boleh tahan
    menarik:
    manis LLETING
    masin PPEGHAK
    pahit LLEPE
    mase PPUGHIK
    tawar EBER
    putih SSEPO
    hite LLEGE
    biru KKETU
    kuning NNEHE
    kenye BBONYAH
    comel LLOTE
    gemuk DDEBOK
    busuk BANGA
    hapok KOHONG

    Ada beberapa "bunga bahasa" dalam loghat
    kelantanyang unik..
    Antaranya:
    YAK = lebih kurang "opocot!!!" atau "oops!!"
    DEH? = memohon restu atau persetujuan...lebih
    kurang "OK?",
    GAK = lebih kurang "habis tu.." atau "so.."
    PAH? = lebih kurang "GAK"
    HO(bunyi naik ke hidung sikit ) = "ya lah.." atau
    "yes"
    DOCK? = lebih kurang "bukan?", "betul tak?" atau
    "isn't it?"

    Seperkara lagi, ada diantara perkataan dalam
    penggunaan biasa loghat Kelantan di anggap
    tak manis didengar pengertiannya di dalam loghat
    tempat lain...
    Yang popular digunakan antaranya:

    CEBOCK : kita maksudkan 'cedok', selalunya
    untuk cecair, mencedok air. Banyak tempat
    sebelah pantai barat membawa maksud "basuh
    b***k" (istinja).
    PPATAK : kita maksudkan 'paling bawah'.
    Mencarut bagi mereka...
    TTINO : kita maksudkan 'perempuan' tapi bila sebut
    BETINA, ramai yang marah.(begitu juga JATE...)
    AIR TUAK : kita minum di bulan puasa, buat
    berbuka!!! Bagi orang luar, TUAK adalah Haram
    (sama taraf dengan TODI & ARAK...)Yang fresh &
    manis tu dipanggil NIRA.
    NNATE : kadangkala "simbol" kemesraan antara
    kawan...cuba direct translate jadi BINATANG...
    Boleh bergaduh nanti...
    SUKU SAKAT : bagi kita,bermaksud "tidak kena
    mengena", bagi org KL, ia bermaksud "kaum
    kerabat"

    contradict betul!!! heiyerrrr...

    Biasanya perkataan yang berakhir dengan
    `an','am','ang' diganti dengan `e'.
    cth : Jangan=jange
    Lengan=lenge
    Geran=gere,
    Pisang=pise
    Malam=male

    Akhir sekali, peranan "SABDU" dalam loghat
    Kelantan. Begitu besar dan boleh membezakan
    langit dengan bumi.

    Sekadar contoh,
    Tanpa 'sabdu' orang boleh patah gigi kerana
    MAKAN KANTIN, sepatutnya disebut MAKE
    KKETENG (eating at the canteen)!!!
    Atau salah faham antara TAK PAKAI (not wearing)
    dengan TOK PPAKA (useless).
    Atau keliru diantara KECEK(tipu) dengan KKECEK
    (bercakap)



    so itula tutorial kite ttg bhs kelantan... sekian time
    kaseyy...

    p/s: gomo kelate gomo

    cixent
    Ahli Baharu
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    Re: Koleksi Lawak

    Post by cixent on Sun Apr 26, 2009 11:29 pm

    PuteriNurFarah wrote:DIALEK KELANTAN
    Kali Arung - Sekaligus
    Air Geh - Air Berkabonat
    Jauh Sapok - Teramatlah Jauhnya
    Panah Terik - Panas Yang Teramat Sangat
    Sejuk Ketta - Sejuk Yg Sangat?
    Ite Lettung - Tersangatlah Hitamnya
    Punoh Jahne - Rosak
    Gura Bewok - Gurauan Yang Menyebabkn Pergaduhan
    Taik Aye Muna - Tahi Ayam Yang Masih Hangat
    Kona Lepe - Corner Lipat
    Kelecak - Terpelanting
    Nakuk Paik - Penakut Yang Amat Tinggi
    Lonjong - Tinggi Sangat
    Masing Pekkok - Teramat Masin = Masing Peghakk - Teramat Masin
    Nipih Nayyang - Sangat Nipis = Nipih Siatt - Sangat Nipis
    Maknga - Cuai
    Babei - Degil (Tak Tau Nak Eja Camne)
    Jabir / Supek - Plastic Bag
    Koghok - Tengkorak
    Kehek - Muntahkan Semula
    Puahsang - Boring
    Meppeh - Tak Larat
    Kepeh Blepeng - Sangat Kempis
    keghah kekong -keras yg teramat
    koho/selo - perlahan/slow
    kettuk heghek -kentut tarik
    blana kokna - banyak yang amat
    samah - 50 sen
    duo amah -singgit
    kekoh -gigit
    blago -berlanggar
    mokte- rambutan
    woh kekoh caa -kuih buah melaka
    ccongek -tejungkit
    kupik hangik -kedekut nak mampos
    woh tteghe-buah gajus
    nnetting- melantun
    manih letting -manis yg amat
    pok-e-dèng atau tuyyut -pepatung

    Tambahan sket..

    teri-chan
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    Re: Koleksi Lawak

    Post by teri-chan on Mon Apr 27, 2009 10:35 am

    aik? aku rasa silap ni.. kalu tang bahasa ni kene bukak topik baru blaja bahasa daerah...


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    fiza_cute
    Ahli
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    Re: Koleksi Lawak

    Post by fiza_cute on Mon Apr 27, 2009 11:22 am

    a ah..tu la...

    bukak la topik baru blaja bahase klate...

    teri~

    lawak btul lawak ko tu...hahahaha Laughing

    Hiruka
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    Re: Koleksi Lawak

    Post by Hiruka on Mon Apr 27, 2009 3:37 pm

    Isk Isk..bahasa loghat kampung aku dikategorikan lawak ke? = ="
    sungguh lawak la korang nih..

    raidizh AR
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    Re: Koleksi Lawak

    Post by raidizh AR on Mon Apr 27, 2009 3:39 pm

    dorg tersilap 2...

    Mr TR
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    Re: Koleksi Lawak

    Post by Mr TR on Thu Apr 30, 2009 1:41 am

    teri-chan wrote:gangster...

    Sebuah kumpulan gangster menghadapi masalah untuk mengutip wang perlindungan
    dari peniaga. Ini kerana pihak polis sering membuat intipan dan tangkapan.
    Ketuanya mengambil seorang bisu untuk mengutip wang tersebut. Pada pendapatnya,
    tentulah polis sukar untuk menyoal siasat si bisu tersebut.

    Maka si bisu pun mula mengutip wang dan berjaya memperolehi RM50,000.
    Walaubagaimana pun, dia menyembunyikan wang tersebut di suatu tempat rahsia.
    Maka pada hari yang telah ditetapkan, ketua gangster mengarahkan orang-orangnya
    memanggil si bisu. Apabila dipanggil, si bisu itu berpura-pura tidak dapat berkomunikasi
    dengan mereka. Lalu mereka pergi berjumpa dengan seorang pakar bahasa isyarat.

    Gangster : Mana wang tu?

    Pakar menunjukkan isyarat kepada si bisu...
    Sibisu menunjukkan isyarat untuk "Aku tak tahu apa yang mereka katakan."

    Pakar bahasa isyarat memberitahu gangster tersebut. Dan gangster tersebut menghalakan
    pistol ke arah kepala si bisu.

    Gangster : Aku akan tembak kepala kau, bisu...

    Sibisu menunjukkan isyarat "Duit RM50,000 tu aku telah sembunyikan di taman permainan
    di bawah kerusi yang ketiga dari pintu masuk."

    Pakar bahasa pun berkata kepada ketua gangster, "Dia tidak tahu dimana wang itu dan kalau kau nak tembak-tembaklah..."

    pergh...jahat gk pakar bahasa nie....
    sian si bisu tu...
    huhuhu

    kindaichi_hajime
    Ahli Rajin
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    Re: Koleksi Lawak

    Post by kindaichi_hajime on Mon May 04, 2009 3:09 am

    lawaknyerrr..
    tp byk...smpai xlarat nk bc..haha

    teri-chan
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    Re: Koleksi Lawak

    Post by teri-chan on Mon May 04, 2009 11:06 am

    meh sambung2 cite lawak lg.... aku dh takde idea nk letak cite lawak hehehe...


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    sh4m
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    Lawak IT (English version)

    Post by sh4m on Mon May 04, 2009 11:15 am

    Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.

    Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?

    Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.

    Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.

    Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... Sorry....

    sh4m
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    Re: Koleksi Lawak

    Post by sh4m on Mon May 04, 2009 11:16 am

    Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

    Female customer: A white one...

    Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.



    Customer: Your left or my left?

    Tech support: Sad

    sh4m
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    Re: Koleksi Lawak

    Post by sh4m on Mon May 04, 2009 11:17 am

    Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I

    try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed

    it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

    Tech Support: Mad

    sh4m
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    Re: Koleksi Lawak

    Post by sh4m on Mon May 04, 2009 11:18 am

    Customer: I have problems printing in red...

    Tech support: Do you have a colour printer?

    Customer: Aaaah....... ......... ....thank you.

    Tech support: Sad

    sh4m
    Ahli Baharu
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    Re: Koleksi Lawak

    Post by sh4m on Mon May 04, 2009 11:19 am

    Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?

    Customer : Netscape.

    Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.

    Customer : Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

    teri-chan
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    Re: Koleksi Lawak

    Post by teri-chan on Mon May 04, 2009 11:31 am

    aik? IT sahaja kah? lawak english yg lain tak boleh?


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    Re: Koleksi Lawak

    Post by MalaYneuMaya on Mon May 04, 2009 12:06 pm

    assalamualaikum...

    bwahaha..klua air mata aku..cant find printer tu yg sadis tu..


    --------------------------------------------

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    Re: Koleksi Lawak

    Post by Hiruka on Mon May 04, 2009 1:03 pm

    Lawak IT ni sbnrnye luas cik teri..Lagipon rare lawak mengenai IT nih..so lets sharing Razz

    Spoiler:
    WINDOZE QUOTES

    • "How much do Windows cost, and do you have to buy each one separately?"

    • Customer: "How much do Windows cost?"
    Tech Support: "Windows costs about $100."
    Customer: "Oh, that's kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?"

    • Tech Support: "Do you have any windows open right now?"
    Customer: "Are you crazy woman, it's twenty below outside..."

    • "I try to avoid using Microsoft. That's why I use MS-DOS."

    • Tech Support: "How can I help you?"
    Customer: "Well, everything is working fine, but there is one program that is not."
    Tech Support: "What program is it?"
    Customer: "It's called 'MSDOS Prompt'."
    Tech Support: "What's wrong with it?"
    Customer: "Well, I click on it, a black screen shows up with NOTHING but a sign that reads: 'C:\WINDOWS>', and it just sits there and doesn't do anything. I have to turn off the system to go back to Windows."

    • Customer: "File manager? What's that?"
    Tech Support: "How long have you had your computer?"
    Customer: "Three years."

    • "I have a 386 Pentium."

    • "My brother has a 486 with a Pentium chip in it."

    • Customer: "The computer told me it had contagious memory. Does it have a virus?"
    Tech Support: "No, that is 'contiguous' memory, as in 'sequential'."
    Customer: "That is impossible, it said 'contagious'."
    Tech Support: "Type 'mem' and hit the 'enter' key."
    Customer: "Oh."

    • "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."
    Spoiler:
    Some Conversation With Tech Support

    • Tech Support: "What version of the Mac OS are you using?"
    Customer: "Word 6.0."

    • Tech Support: "What browser are you using, Netscape or Microsoft?"
    Customer: "Netscape."
    Tech Support: "Could you read to me what it says at the top of the window?"
    Customer: "'Global Travel Conference - Microsoft Internet Explorer'."

    • Tech Support: "Are you installing on a Mac?"
    Customer: "No, I'm using a 3.5" thingee on a disk."

    • Tech Support: "This has Windows 98 on it -- did it have Windows 98 or 95 on it when it was sent out for repair?"
    Customer: "I think it had Office 97."

    • Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"
    Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"

    • Customer: "I keep getting an error message whenever I try using the MSDOS mode in Windows 95."
    Tech Support: "Can you describe what happens?"
    Customer: "Well, I keep getting a black screen with an error message saying, 'C:\WINDOWS>'."

    • Tech Support: "which drive is your CD ROM?"
    Customer: "the top one."

    • Customer: "Do I hit 'F' and '8' at the same time?"

    • Tech Support: "Your password will be...a small 'a' as in apple, a capital 'V' as in Victor, the number '7' "
    Customer: "Is that a capital '7'?"

    • Tech Support: "Ok, let's try once more, but use lower case letters..."
    Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."
    Spoiler:
    WINDOWS XP ERROR MESSAGES

    A few of the new error messages that were taken under consideration during the development of the Windows XP operating system...

    • Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

    • Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

    • BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

    • Close your eyes and press escape three times.

    • File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

    • Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

    • Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

    • Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

    • Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

    • Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

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    Re: Koleksi Lawak

    Post by MalaYneuMaya on Mon May 04, 2009 2:30 pm

    assalamualaikum...

    haha ye tapi kita kena paham jugak yg lawak ni difahami oleh org2 sekepala IT saja..


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    Re: Koleksi Lawak

    Post by TJ-Ariff on Mon May 04, 2009 3:10 pm

    Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

    Tech Support: "Ok, let's try once more, but use lower case letters..."
    Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."

    teringat aku sewaktu member aku mengajar orang orang kampung yg buta IT,
    apa bile disuruh "press any key" jenuh lah sorang pakcik nie tercari cari..
    apabila ditanya, dia kata: "tuan, tak jumpa pun any key nye tuan..."
    Razz


    --------------------------------------------

    I'm A Big Big Man, In A Big Big World, It's Not A Big Big Thing, If You Leave Me.
    When GOD Opened the window of mercy,HE asked me; What is your wish for to day?, I said; Allah, Please take care of that person who is reading this message.

    sh4m
    Ahli Baharu
    Ahli Baharu

    Number of posts : 81
    Registration date : 15/02/2009

    Desperate Wife (English version + IT)

    Post by sh4m on Mon May 04, 2009 4:02 pm

    Dear IT Support,

    Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the
    overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

    In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as EPL 5.0, NBA 3.0 and ESPN 2.0. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these
    problems, but to no avail.

    What can I do?


    Signed,
    Desperate

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Reply:

    Dear Desperate,

    First keep in mind; Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an
    operating system. Try entering the command C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.

    If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

    But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Late Night Teh Tarik 6.1. Late Night 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.wav files.

    Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

    In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.


    Good Luck,
    IT Support

    Hiruka
    Ahli
    Ahli

    Gender : Male Number of posts : 887
    Age : 31
    Location : X: 9956 Y: 6544
    Job/hobbies : PC Maniac
    Registration date : 02/03/2009

    Re: Koleksi Lawak

    Post by Hiruka on Mon May 04, 2009 4:53 pm

    LoL sh4m, watla satu thread collection instead of 1 scenario in 1 thread..Ske wat Flooding ek? Anyway nice story..haha

    sh4m
    Ahli Baharu
    Ahli Baharu

    Number of posts : 81
    Registration date : 15/02/2009

    Re: Koleksi Lawak

    Post by sh4m on Mon May 04, 2009 5:13 pm

    hie3.. saje je.. leh la ramai2 reply post.. hie3..

    sebenarnya aku jumpa artikel ni.. so trus aku post.. malas nak simpan/kumpul... Smile

    nnt aku wat 1 thread full of lawak.. hiehiehie...

    p/s:senyum dapat pahala lg nampak muda..

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    Re: Koleksi Lawak

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